One Man Vs Oblivion

It has been nearly 10 years since the night I saw my father die. I can still recall every single detail of how the entire event unfolded as if it happened yesterday. But this blog is not an explicit play-by-play of the events but instead about answering one of the main questions that night caused me to contemplate for almost a decade... “If when we die we no longer exist, then what is the most meaningful pursuit we can take in this limited amount of time we have left?".

I was only 17 years old when my dad died. As you can probably imagine, it was one of the strangest experiences, and also one of the most impactful, moments of my entire life. Whenever I think back to that night, I always contemplate if I was lucky to witness what I saw, or if I was instead cursed to be burdened with an experience that awoke me to a reality that births an insatiable need to answer the hardest and deepest existential questions that most people are often lucky enough not to have to face until much much later in life.

There was one moment in particular, between when my Dad’s breathing machine was lowered and when we were told he is no longer with us, that was so surreal that it has been forever engraved as a foundational component to my understanding of life. The particular moment that was so impactful was watching what happens to someone's eyes as they pass on.

The best way I can explain what I witnessed is that as we pass on, the life and soul living behind our eyes switches off, almost like a light switch. In those moments, whatever electricity, energy, or perhaps even magic, that once lived behind those eyes, no longer exists, and the person that was once there has truly gone.

I have no idea what happens to this energy in those moments between life and death. Whether the soul transcends into eternity in heaven, or if that energy or spark that makes us who we are, is literally just electricity passing between the neurons in our brains. However, what I saw was that when we die, whatever magic that makes us who we are no longer exists within us. Once our time comes and the switch has been pressed, whatever life, soul, or magic that existed within us behind our eyes is gone, and all that is left behind is the shell that once housed the spark of who we once were.

Seeing this happen that night almost 10 years ago, birthed the question “If when we die we no longer exist, then what is the most meaningful pursuit we can take in this limited amount of time we have left?". I hoped that by finding the answer I could be "happy" knowing I was living a purposeful life and that could allow me to share my journey in order to help people going through similar events or struggling with similar questions. I realise now that I was already given the answer from the incredible man I witnessed living intentionally from terminal diagnosis to death.

Every single day when we wake up, we do not know if this day is our last and yet, especially in the West, we unconsciously deny the dreadful reality of our mortality and go on to often waste the day as if we will have a million more. I can tell you that when you, or someone in your immediate family, is diagnosed with a terminal illness and you're faced with certain death, your previous perceptions of life, time, and purpose bursts like a bubble.

The best way I can describe this experience is that we all live in our own unique bubbles of distorted reality where we are so self-obsessed with our daily problems. We all obsess over the noise of everyday life like how much money we have, what's on the news, who did or didn't like our social media post, and what Julie said about you at work yesterday. However, once you are hit with the information that you only have 2-5 years left to live, your bubble explodes and you are thrust into the reality of being overtly aware that the noise and trivial pursuits we fill our lives with are far from the most meaningful things in our lives.

My dad realised what mattered the most to him was not his meeting next Wednesday, not the direction of his job, not his relationship with his colleagues at work, no, what mattered most was his family. Therefore, knowing that his physical faculties would slowly reduce until they no longer existed and he would be forced to pass into whatever awaited him next, he decided in the time he had left he would not lie in bed letting Motor Neurone Disease (MND) defeat him, he would instead do the absolute best he could for his family as he no longer had 20+ years to look after or support them, he had 2-5 at best.

To further show you the harsh realities of life, he didn't get 2-5 more years of life from the date of his diagnosis, he only got one. Now I won’t share all the details as it doesn't only concern me, and I won't deny that my Dad faced significant internal distress, which he hid exceptionally well, but what I will tell you is what he did in that year is what truly makes him my hero.

Even with slowly losing all of his physical faculties, he worked as a teacher as the head of social sciences, right up until the weekend that he died. Towards the end he was only able to barely move his finger to move the electronic wheelchair he spent most of the day in, with a breathing mask on his face 24/7, and yet he was still able to teach to ensure that he provided for his family even after he was gone.

On the weekend he died he didn't know where he was going next, but his position on that matter has forever stuck with me and in part provides the foundations for answering my question on how we can live a purposeful life. When asked if he was scared of dying, my Dad profoundly replied: “Either there is something, which means it’ll be an adventure, or there is nothing so there is no point in worrying”.

Assuming this is the case when trying to answer the question “If when we die we no longer exist, then what is the most meaningful pursuit we can take in this limited amount of time we have?”, I propose the importance of returning to living like the Stoics and those in the East who suggest that we have our death presently in mind due to the healthier and more meaningful reality it creates.

You may think I am crazy suggesting that by accepting and being presently conscious of our mortality we can create a healthier reality. However, I am certain that only by knowing that every day could be our last day, can we truly be presented with the opportunity and incentive to purposefully do every single thing we can for not only ourselves, but also for the most important people in our lives. Knowing that today could possibly be our last allows us to stop putting off those things we are scared of doing and to act with intention towards what truly matters most.

Living presently and acting with the positive purposeful intention that comes with knowing this day could be your last, allows you to improve your life and all your immediate relationships. The compound effect that builds through your actions means that if you get the opportunity to wake up tomorrow it provides the springboard for that next day to have the potential to be better than the one before.

If you are lucky enough to live this way for 10 years, then you will be in a completely different place, and also a completely different person, than you are today. If you do this for the rest of your life, then when your time finally comes to its end, you won’t be leaving in fear, due to not having lived, but instead, you will be ready to depart… for if there is nothing then there is no need to worry for you have lived, and you can leave without regret and without begging for more time and grieving your unlived life, and if there is something, then it's an adventure.

My dad had his demons about the things he would not see and also miss from both of his sons’ future lives, but in the year he had, he lived purposefully by doing every single thing he could to ensure that his family didn’t have to struggle any more than necessary after he left. He only had one year and he managed to use every second of the time he had left because he knew how valuable it was.

If you're lucky, you may have as many as 50 years left, so just imagine what you could do if you used every single one of those years, every single one of those days, and every single one of the seconds within them towards living intentionally towards what truly matters most. That way, when your time comes, you won't be kicking and screaming, you will be ready and prepared for your next adventure, or you'll be ready for your well-deserved rest.

So to answer the question: “If when we die we no longer exist, then what is the most meaningful pursuit we can take in this limited amount of time we have left?", my answer is that you should live today, and live it as if it may be your last. Tell your parents you love them. Apply for that job. Ask out, or date that person. Buy that plane ticket. Move to that city. Do all the things that scare you, because, in the limited time you have, they are what matter most.

Make sure that you live today because when you are on your deathbed, you will most regret the opportunities you didn't take rather than the ones you did. So, be free of the constraints you live under, burst the bubble of comfort you are absorbed in, and go live a life you will remember, not one you will later regret.

“We all live two lives. The second one starts when we realise we only have one.”

Written by

Michael Stevenson